Wren's Valentine

When you’re a two-year-old with the intellect of a nine-year-old, you expect certain things from Valentine’s Day, the holiday of love. Hearts, reds and pinks, cards, shows of affection, and little chalk candies with hokey phrases like “B Mine” and “Sweetheart” written on them. What Wren Swallows wasn’t expecting was having said hokey phrases written on her attire. Or being forced into a playdate with four-year-old Dylan, whom she considered a real thorn in her side. The blond-haired, brown-eyed girl was practically fuming, much like one of her diapers after a particularly filling meal.

“Cass, what’s the meaning of this?!” the little one yelled at her mother, as she lay on the changing table in her room.

“The meaning, Wren, is that you and Dylan need to bury the hatchet,” Mom replied as she finished diapering her daughter. “You two would make the cutest friends!”

“You suwe you don’t mean ‘cutest couple’?” Wren crossed her arms, glaring at Cass.

“Friendship comes before love, sweetie.”

“Hmmph...don’t think I don’t know what you’we planning!”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Cass replied, smirking.

Wren sat up, still peeved as ever. Her Valentine’s Day clothes were of course themed for the mid-February holiday, with a pink short-sleeved shirt with the phrase “Valentine’s Baby” prominently written in red letters in the center. Her poofy, ankle-length diaper was adorned with hearts red and pink, with a large pink heart in the center serving as the wetness indicator. Her socks were light pink, and her shoelace-tied shoes were white with dark pink trim.

“C’mon, cheer up! I think you look cute!”

“I look stupid!” Wren cried out in anger. “Take this shiwt off me wight now! I can’t let Dylan see me like this!”

“Why do you think I put it on you?”

The little one’s mouth was agape, her brown eyes filled with disgust and contempt.

“...I’m saving a weally diwty diapew fow you, just fow that.”

“Just make sure it’s after Dylan leaves,” Cass retorted, picking up her daughter. “You know how much he hates that!”

“Ow maybe I’ll ‘slip up’. I don’t have full contwol of my bowels...”

“Then don’t be surprised if he never comes over again!”

“That’s the idea.” Wren smugly smirked.

Cass sat her daughter down onto the beige living room couch, and the little one interestingly gazed at the large television in front of her.

“Behave yourself, alright? Dylan should be here any moment now.”

“You know me, Cass!” Wren cutely grinned. “A pewfect little angel!”

“Right...”

“Now, let’s see...”

Wren powered on the T.V. and switched it over to cartoons. Despite the miserable getup she was forced to wear, she was rather amused at the childish antics happening in front of her. It was short-lived, however, as the doorbell rang only a few minutes later; her once-cheery smile became a disdainful frown.

“Coming!” Cass called, picking up Wren and walking over to the door.

“This’s gonna be weal bad...” the two-year-old muttered.

“Hush, sweetie,” Mom quietly replied as she opened the front door. There stood Dylan’s father, smiling through his thin brown beard as he held his son with one arm.

“Hello Cass!” he spoke, waving with his free hand.

“Hi...” Dylan unenthusiastically said, weakly waving at the two. He was adorned in a blue T-shirt, green pants, and white shoes.

“Hi Roger! Thank you so much for agreeing to the playdate!”

“No problem, Cass!” he replied, placing his son onto the ground. “Dylan could always use more friends!”

“Dad, I wanna make friends that aren’t babies!”

“Wren is a toddler,” Cass corrected.

“She’s a baby! Look at what she’s wearing!” Dylan replied in irritation, pointing at the thick diaper swaddling Wren.

“Dylan, she’s not that much younger than you,” Roger said.

“But Daaaad...!” he whined.

“You guys will have fun!” Dad said, smiling.

“Hmmph! No we won’t...” Dylan crossed his arms, pouting.

“Dyl, it’s just for a few hours,” Roger spoke, kneeling down to his level. “If it doesn’t work out, you won’t ever have to come here again, okay?”

Father and son gazed into one another’s eyes, one in contemplation, one in convincement. After a few seconds of silence...

“...fine...I’ll try, Dad.”

“Good.” Roger nodded, standing back up.

“You too, Wren...” Cass said, placing her daughter down next to Dylan.

“Mmmmmmm...” The younger child pouted.

“Guys, c’mon! You’re only two years apart!”

“It’s okay, Ms. Swallows!” Dylan spoke, putting on a fake smile. “Wren an’ I’ll be like best friends!”

He wrapped one arm around the toddler, and she did the same to him.

“Yeah! Bestest fwiends!”

“Good!” Roger said, smiling as well.

“Yeah...” Cass, however, frowned in concern. She could see right through the utterly false grins on the children’s faces.

“Goodbye! Behave yourself, Dylan!” Roger said, waving goodbye.

“Bye Dad!” “Bye-bye!” The two kids waved him farewell, as four became three.

“Dylan, do you need anything?” Cass asked.

“A juice box, please!”

“And you, Wren?”

“Miwk!”

“Okay then! Coming right up!”

Wren and Dylan continued their insincere smiles as Cass left for the kitchen. As soon as she was out of sight, their true feelings were revealed on their faces, along with the boy’s dismissive push.

“Aaaah!” Wren fell onto her back.

“Don’ get any ideas, short-stuff.” Dylan sat himself on the living room couch, grabbing the remote.

“Awww, but I’ve got plenty!” she replied, helplessly waving her arms and legs.

“Ha ha ha ha! You look like a turtle!” He pointed and laughed at Wren.

“Don’ undewestimate tuwtles!”

She rolled onto her tummy, and propped herself back onto her feet. She slightly wavered in place, but managed to keep balance with little difficulty.

“Hmmph...big deal...” Dylan crossed his arms and frowned.

“When you’ve spent most of youw life in supew-poofy Pamps, you leawn a thing ow two about moving awound!”

Wren’s prideful smile did not fade, even as she sat next to her guest.

“Your butt looks like a big marshmallow.”

“Thanks! Wanna take a bite?”

“No! I wouldn’t touch your diapers if you paid me!” Dylan cringed and recoiled away from Wren, tongue out.

“Ya suwe? I’ve got the money!”

“Yeah, pretty sure...”

“Okaaaay...just lemme know if you change youw mind!”

Dylan sighed and shook his head as Wren giggled.

“Here you go, kids! One juice box for Dyl...” Cass handed him some apple juice. “And one baba for Wren.”

“T’ankoo!” “Thanks Ms. Swallows.” They smiled up at her.

“You’re welcome!”

Again, the two were left to their devices; Wren happily drank her milk, while Dylan slurped on his juice.

“That’s real milk, isn’t it?” Dylan asked, somewhat disgusted.

“Yup! Nothin’ beats the weal stuff!”

“I’ve only had soy milk.”

“What?!” Wren looked utterly shocked. “You’we tellin’ me you nevew had weal milk?”

“Nope!” Dylan proudly smiled. “I only drink soy milk!”

“Yech...” She cringed. “I twied soy once, an’ it was gwoss. A baby without cow’s milk is like a fish without watew!”

“Sure,” he replied, unimpressed and unconvinced. “Just remember who’s older.”

“An’ just wemembew who’s smawter!” Wren stuck her tongue out.

Dylan growled as he diverted his gaze from the object of his irritation, who cheerfully suckled from her milk bottle. After about a minute, he looked back at her from the corner of his eye, noticing that she was too preoccupied with her drink to pay attention. A mischievous smile soon formed on his face, as a plan formed in his mind.

“Hmm? Aaaaah!”

Wren shuddered as she felt something wet from down below...and for once, it wasn’t from herself.

“Wet already? Milk sure goes right through you! Ha ha ha ha!” Dylan laughed at her again.

“It’s juice, Dyl!” the toddler replied, glaring at him.

“Whatever...it was gonna end up there anyway.”

“You want me to pouw juice down youw pants again?!”

“Don’t even think about it, big-butt!”

The two kids’ eyes were locked onto one another, both filled with irritation.

“...what...?”

“Huh?”

“Pffffff! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

Dylan pointed and laughed at Wren’s diaper, and when she looked down, she figured out why: The juice that had been squirted down there activated the wetness indicator, and the big heart now displayed “I ♥ you” in white letters.

“Th-That’s a lie!” Wren spoke, red-faced and flustered. “These s-stupid diapews w-wewe Cass’ idea!”

“Heh heh...I don’t love you, just so you know!”

“Same here!”

“Then what’s with the love-struck act?”

“I-I-I’m embawwased!” Wren corrected, her cheeks lighting up even brighter. “Mom fowced me to weaw this dumb outfit!”

“You do look dumb...it suits you well! Heh ha ha ha!”

“Shut up!” Her brown eyes were shining with anger.

“Oh, is that the best you got?” Dylan crossed his arms, giving the smuggest smile he could muster.

“Grrrrr...!”

Wren’s blood boiled, rage rising within...but she knew just how to get back at him, as something else was building up as well.

“Wha’s a’matter? Is the ‘Valentine Baby’ gonna cry?”

“...nah.” The little one slightly smiled, all traces of anger subsided.

“Oh? Did you finally grow up?” Dylan was still mockingly smiling.

“Don’t be silly! I’m a baby, not a gwown-up!”

“A’course...” He tilted his head, not sure where this was going.

“Babies awe some of the happiest people on the planet! They have evewything handed to them, they dwink fwom baby bottles, they make messes without wowwying about cleaning it up...oh, and a little thing that they’we kinda known best fow.”

“Wha...?” Dylan quickly caught on, and his eyes widened. “No, don’t!”

“How ‘bout I give you a demonstwation?” Wren’s eyes narrowed, turning her once-innocent smile into something much more devious.

“I-I’ve seen it plenty, thanks...” the older kid replied, nervously smiling.

“Not this close, I bet.”

“I...I don’ really...it’s--”

Wren showed that the thick diapers she always wore weren’t just for comfort (though that was definitely a plus). Fists clenched at her sides and face red as a tomato, she unloaded into her heart-adorned seat with complete disregard for anyone around her. She grunted and groaned as the padding beneath her wavered from the result of her infantile action.

“Uggggh!”

Dylan cringed and pinched his nose shut. Wren’s mostly-silent messing was little comfort for the 4-year-old, as the noxious smell was something even the poofy padding could not seal in.

“Haaaaaaaaaaaahhhh...”

Once his small eternity was over with - which equated to about ten seconds in real time - Wren sighed in utmost relief, slouching in place with a wavering smile. The bottom of her diaper was now visibly lumpy, which further disgusted her guest.

“Ms. Swallows! Wren’s stealing my oxygen!”

“Wha’evew...” she mumbled to herself as she began to suck her right thumb, while Dylan rushed toward the kitchen. Relishing in the relaxing calm that came after the storm, even if it lasted for only a few seconds, was always Wren’s favorite part of using her diapers. Well, besides playing dumb and pretending it was just an “accident”.

“Hoo! Yeah, you’re a little stinker, Wren!”

The little one’s eyes fluttered open as Cass picked her up.

“Me?” Wren spoke, putting on her best wide-eyed, precocious look.

“Yes, you. You’re the only one in diapers, remember?” Cass chuckled.

“Oh yeah...I fowgotted...” Wren closed her eyes, smiling as she continued to slurp on her thumb.

“You sure didn’t forget the mess you promised!” Mom replied as she laid her daughter down on the upstairs changing table.

“A’couwse not! I nevew fowget pwomises!” The toddler proudly smiled.

“That’s for sure...”

Wren’s diaper change went by without a word, but once the tapes of the new Valentine’s padding reached the landing zone...

“Wren, please get along with Dylan,” Cass half-pleaded, bringing her daughter close.

“No.” Wren pouted.

“You two can’t be at each other’s throats constantly. You weren’t always that mean to him...”

“Well, things change. Just like diapews.”

“And some things change more than once,” Cass retorted, looking annoyed. “At least make the effort!”

“What if I don’t want to?”

“Then you won’t have any friends.”

“Fwiends awe ovewwated anyway...” Wren dismissively spoke as she was placed onto the living room floor.

“Wren, please...just try, okay?”

Wren crossed her arms, glaring at her mother.

“I’ll...I’ll give those clothes away!”

The little one’s eyes shone, her mouth slightly agape in awe. Of course, she immediately realized why this was happening, but the offer was far too lucrative to pass up.

“Aauuugh...you just had to do that, didn’t you?”

“I’m a businesswoman. It’s what I do.” Cass smirked.

“Fine! I’ll be nice to Dylan...but only fow today!”

“Thank you, sweetie...” She pecked Wren on the forehead, and the little one blushed.

“Just make suwe you get wid of these dumb clothes! Pwefewably in a fiwe!”

“I’ll donate them, okay?”

“As long as I don’t look like a cupid anymowe!”

Wren sighed, waddling over to the couch where Dylan was. His contemptuous gaze could only be seen from the corner of his eyes, as his head was fixated toward the television.

“You’re one of the most disgusting people I’ve ever met,” he said, tone dripping with disgust and elitism.

“Thanks! I twy my best...” Wren smiled.

“Maybe you could try less. Like, a lot less.”

“But whewe’s the fun in that?”

Wren giggled, but she ceased when Dylan’s angry glare would not let up.

“Um...I mean...what do you think I should do to ‘twy less’?”

“Get potty-trained as soon as possible.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why? Is pooping yourself like a little baby so much fun?”

Dylan’s words were barbed, and Wren recoiled from the sting.

“Well...I have tummy pwoblems.”

“Like?”

“Uh, y-y’know...” Wren shrugged.

“I don’t.”

“I...get weal gassy an’ messy if I eat certain foods. Like aspawagus. An’ sometimes I can’t help it, so...I kinda need ‘em.”

Dylan slowly turned his head toward Wren, although the dismissive look on his face was still there.

“But why the marshmallow?”

The toddler blushed, fiddling with her hands.

“Um...the weason Cass made Playtime Pants was ‘cause wegular diapews bawely hold my...you know...so she designed a diapew that could hold lots of messes. And...they’we weally, weally comfy! Like a pillow, or a plushie!”

“Fascinating,” Dylan replied, monotone, as he faced the T.V. again.

“That’s it?!”

“You didn’ say anything about not bein’ able to hold it all the time. You could just not eat the foods that make you poop a lot.”

“Um, well, that’s...”

Wren was flustered, just as red-faced as she had been with her previous diaper. She was unable to look at Dylan, or anything else for very long.

“So you can’t hold it?”

“I-I can...”

“Then what’s stopping you from giving up those glorified airbags?”

The toddler gulped, feeling quite uneasy. There was a lump in her throat, water in her eyes, and an ache in her heart.

“...I don’ wanna gwow up jus’ yet...” she quietly replied.

“So you’re just a big baby after all, huh?”

“S-Stop sayin’ that!” Wren’s brown eyes were filled with anger. “I feel mowe comfy wit’ Icechips, an’ a cwib, an’ diapews!”

“Really?” Dylan’s green eyes were also alight with rage. “You feel comfy with all that crap?”

Again, she was pricked by the sharp speech.

“I...I-I’m only two-yeaws-old...” Wren moaned.

“Well, I was out of diapers by two, and I haven’t had an accident since then! Not counting that little prank of yours, but that was just juice!”

“I...I’m no...not like...” Wren could not muster up much more than a mumble.

“You’re just a bratty, stinky, stupid baby!”

After so many verbal assaults, this one finally pierced right through Wren. Her mouth quivered as a single tear trailed down both of her cheeks.

“Ah...ehhhh...WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

She bawled her eyes out, her face drenched from her sorrows. Cass soon arrived and picked up the miserable one, holding her close and soothingly rubbing her back.

“Wren, it’s okay...”

“He’s a meanie!” Wren whined, burying her face into her mother’s chest. “He...he keeps sayin’ bad things, an’...an’...BWAAAAAH-HAH-HAAAAAAH!”

“Shhhhh...Mommy’s here...Mommy’s here, so no more tears...”

“Mmmmff...Mommy...Mommy...!”

As Wren began to calm down, Dylan looked up at Cass, ashamed. The caretaker did not look particularly happy, but at least her eyes didn’t stab him as badly as his words stabbed her daughter.

“I-I’m sorry, Ms. Swallows...”

“Dylan, whatever you said to Wren was very hurtful.”

“I know...I...I’m sorry, Wren...”

“Nnnn...” Her reddened eyes met his regretful ones, and she slowly nodded.

“You’re getting a time-out if you do it again,” Cass warned.

“O-Okay...” Dylan nodded as well, slightly unnerved.

“Now please, get along this time.” She sat Wren down back in her previous seat.

“Haaaaah...” Wren sighed, looking down into her hands.

“...um...” Dylan awkwardly began.

“What?” She glared at him.

“I...um...wanna...give you a tissue!”

Wren raised one eyebrow in confusion.

“Y-Your nose is all snotty...here...”

Dylan took a tissue from the box on the nearby table, handing it to Wren.

“Oh, thanks...” She loudly blew her nose.

“N-No problem...yech...” He cringed a little.

“Hey, I could be way gwosser!”

“B-Believe me, after your diaper, I know!”

Dylan nervously laughed, but it became a more confident one when he saw Wren giggling along with him.

“Heh ha ha ha ha!”

“Hee hee ha ha!”

“S-Sorry for all the name-calling...I...I didn’ mean to make you cry...”

“As long as you don’t do it again!” Wren waved a finger at him with a stern face, looking very similar to her mother.

“I-I know! Your mom already warned me...”

“Well, I have my own way of punishing you...” She smirked.

“You sure do...”

“Here.” Wren handed him the snotty tissue.

“I’m not touching that!” Dylan looked disgusted by the mere thought.

“And hewe I thought you wewe actually bein’ nice fow once...” Wren bundled up the tissue and rested it next to her.

“I gave you the tissue!”

“Anyone can do that!”

“You’re real picky...” Dylan sighed.

“I’m in my Tewwible Twos! What’d you expect?”

Wren giggled again, and her guest joined in.

“So...um...”

“So?” Wren tilted her head.

“I...I wanna get to know you.” Dylan’s cheeks lit up.

“...like a fwiend?”

“S-Sure...” He looked away.

“Ow...like a boyfwiend! Hee hee hee!”

“Are you nuts?! I wouldn’t be caught dead holdin’ hands with you!”

“Oh, awe we doin’ the thing whewe you pwetend you’we not in love, but you actually awe?”

“No!” Dylan’s face could not get any redder.

“Gosh, you’re an awful liar!” Wren playfully stuck her tongue out. “But I’ll play along, just ‘cause it’s Valentine’s Day!”

“Mmmmmm...!” He wanted to retort, but decided to keep it inside. “...what’s that thing your mom did?”

“What thing?”

“The ‘Mommy’s here’ thing.”

“Oh...” Wren bashfully smiled, blushing herself. “Well, when I was an infant, I would cwy a lot. Usually ‘cause my tummy huwt. Cass would always hug me weal tight, an’ say...‘Mommy’s hewe, so no mowe teaws’...it always made me feel better, so she kept sayin’ it...an’ now it’s a thing.”

“Oh...that’s...really nice...”

“Isn’t it?” She closed her eyes, facing Dylan. “Cass is the best mom I could evew ask fow. I weally should do somethin’ fow hew on Mothew’s Day...”

“What about your dad?”

“I don’ have one.”

The quick, blunt answer gave Dylan a chill.

“Never?”

“Nope. Well...I see ‘im evewy yeaw on my birthday, but that’s it.”

“I-I’m sorry...” Dylan looked away, almost unworthy to look at Wren.

“It’s okay. Cass is enough fow me.” Wren smiled.

“G-Good...heh heh...”

“Now it’s my tuwn to ask questions!”

“Okay.” Dylan nodded.

“You’ve got your mom and dad, wight?”

“Yeah.”

“An’ no siblings?”

“Nope.” He shook his head.

“Bein’ an only child is gweat, wight?” Wren grinned.

“Heck yeah!”

“I hope I nevew have a bwother ow sistew...”

“Me either. Can you imagine? Two stinkbutts?” Dylan shuddered at the thought.

“Hey, I’m suwe they won’t be as bad as me!” Wren frowned in annoyance.

“Or they could be even worse.”

“Maaaaaybe...” She stuck her tongue out.

“Dummy...”

Reluctantly, Dylan reached out to Wren, and ruffled her short blonde hair.

“Hee hee hee ha ha ha!” She happily giggled from his action.

“You really are just a baby, huh?” he said with a smile.

“Yup! Wait...I’m not just a baby!”

“Sure...anyway, lemme see your room.”

“Okay!”

Wren got off the couch and crawled her way up the stairs, with Dylan a fair distance behind her.

“Afwaid I’ll have anothew ‘accident’?” she teased, noticing the space between them.

“Kinda. And the whole ‘never touching your diaper’ thing.”

“It’s clean, don’t wowwy...”

“Can’t be too careful around babies...”

“Twue, I guess...hewe we awe!”

Wren’s room was decked out as a two-year-old’s room would be, with a crib, changing table stocked with supplies, closet, and covered floor to ceiling with cutesy designs. Dylan didn’t exactly look impressed, but he wasn’t appalled either; with vague interest in his green eyes, he looked all around, taking in the pleasant and cozy atmosphere. The purple walls in particular were a nice touch, he thought.

“Welcome to my domain!” Wren spoke in a sinister tone, looking the part as well.

“It’s just a bedroom, short-stuff.”

“But it’s my bedwoom!”

“So?”

Wren moaned in annoyance as she waddled over to her beloved polar bear plush that rested on the floor.

“Hello there, Icechips!” she happily spoke, snuggling the smiling doll. “Sowwy for leavin’ you behind...”

“Are you seriously talking to a doll?” Dylan said in a mixture of irritation and amusement.

“Icechips is my fwiend! A way better fwiend than you awe!”

“Well he certainly tolerates your stinkiness!”

“That’s wight! He doesn’ judge me, unlike a cewtain someone...”

Wren plopped down onto her cushy seat, nuzzling her doll and looking very much like her age, as Dylan rolled his eyes and walked up to the changing table.

“Jeez...these things are real bulky,” he spoke as he examined one of Wren’s Valentine’s diapers in his hands. It was folded up as per usual, only it seemed to have far more cushioning on the inside than a regular diaper; this lead to a vast size difference where the padding almost reached down to the ground, instead of remaining in the thigh area.

“I told you, they’we fow my messes!”

“But you can buy these in a store, for babies that don’t poop half as much as you?”

“Well...yeah...but I also said they’we weally comfy! Maybe mommies an’ daddies buy ‘em ‘cause of that!”

“Seems like a waste...unless they always empty themselves like you.”

“I don’t always empty myself...just sometimes.” Wren smiled.

“Right...and what about this?”

Now Dylan held a different diaper in his hands, and to his disbelief, it was even bigger than the previous one. It was also adorned differently, with a nighttime theme of a starry sky, and a full moon that seemed to be the wetness indicator.

“That’s for nighttime, a’couwse!”

“But why is it so much bigger?”

“Well...I go when I sleep. A lot.” Wren stuck her tongue out.

“And I’m supposed to be here ‘til after naptime?”

“Yup! But don’ worry, we can sleep in diffewent wooms if you wanna.”

“Please! I already had enough after the first time!” Dylan already looked queasy, as he put the nighttime padding away.

“You wanna weaw one?” she offered.

“I wouldn’t be caught dead in one!” He glared at Wren, offended at such a thing.

“I pwomise not to tell anyone...”

Although Wren’s smile was mischievous and playful as always, Dylan could also see a hint of sincerity on her face. It was slightly comforting, at the very least.

“No thanks. ‘sides, you might need ‘em in case you ‘splode.”

“I’m not a ticking time bomb, Dyl!” Wren was now the offended-looking one. “It’s not like I can’t contwol it!”

“But you said you can’t hold it! Not all the time, anyway!”

“That doesn’t mean I just poop all the time!”

“You sure do it a lot, though!”

“I have tummy pwoblems! I told you!”

“So?! You can do something about it!”

Wren and Dylan were face to face, staring at one another in utter infuriation. Their complete distaste for their counterpart was evident through their eyes and balled-up fists.

“What’s your pwoblem?! Why do you think you’we so much better just ‘cause you’we potty-twained an’ older?!”

“Because it’s a fact! You’re still in diapers, you have all this baby stuff, an’ you can’t even speak straight!”

“Just ‘cause I can’t say things pewfectly doens’ make me stupid! I’m way smartew’n you, an’ evewyone at daycawe! Staff included!”

“Your ego’s as big as your diapers, and it stinks like ‘em too!”

“At least I still dwink milk! That vegan cwap’s wotted youw bwain!”

“At least I have real friends!”

Again, Wren was stricken by Dylan’s razor-sharp tongue. She gasped, bit her lip, and closed her eyes, trembling from head to toe.

“Rrrrrr...!”

“Waaah!”

Wren wound up and swung her right fist, but Dylan dodged out of the way; the toddler toppled over onto the carpet, where she pounded it with her fists in utter frustration.

“Stupid...stupid...!” she mumbled, anger and sorrow swelling in her chest. Tears found themselves trailing down her face again.

“See? This’s why no one likes you!” Dylan spoke, crossing his arms and condescendingly gazing down at her.

“I have fwiends!” Wren yelled, hatefully glaring from over her shoulder. “J-Just ‘cause I don’ gots a bajillion fwiends...d-doesn’ mean no one likes me!”

“You mean Laura? Okay, that’s one.” He extended his pointer finger to indicate that number. “But that’s it. I sure don’t like you.”

“W-W-What about...what about w-what you said...?” Wren whined.

“I changed my mind.” Dylan shrugged. “You’re not really friend material.”

“Nnnnnngh...!”

Unable to look at him anymore, she buried her face in the carpet, utterly heartbroken.

“I can’t believe I actually loved you...”

“Me ei...wait, what?!”

Dylan’s eyes and mouth were wide open in shock.

“Oh yeah, you didn’ even know that one!” Wren bitterly spoke. “I thought you wewe kinda cute b’fowe I leawned you wewe the biggest jewk I evew met!”

“I...I never knew that...”

“You pwolly think I gots cooties...so it doens’ even mattew...”

Wren silently cried into the carpet, tears still rolling down her cheeks, as Dylan silently observed. Something within him ached, seeing her so miserable and upset.

“...um...”

“Jus’ go away...” Wren moaned. “I don’ wanna see you no mowe...”

“I...I-I’m sorry...really...”

“No you’we not...don’ lie...”

Dylan bit his lip, shaking his head. “I-I’m not. I...I hate seein’ you like this.”

“It’s youw fault I’m cwyin’!” Wren spoke, angrily gazing at him over the shoulder again. “You...you’we just a big jewk that likes to huwt othew people...jus’ ‘cause you’we a ‘big kid’...you make me sick!”

He gulped, feeling tears of his own. “...you’re right. I’m a jerk. But...please...!”

“Get lost!” Wren yelled.

“I’m really sorry, Wren!”

The rage on her face faded at once, replaced with surprise.

“...what...?”

“I...I’m really, really sorry...I hate seein’ you cry. It’s the truth. I thought...I-I thought you were strong enough to handle it, so...” He couldn’t bear to look at her any longer.

“I have my limits, Dylan...” Wren sighed.

“I...I know. Um...”

Dylan awkwardly approached Wren, standing next to her. With slow, cautious hands, he took her by her hands, lifted her to her feet, and gave her a tender hug.

“D-Dyl!” Her face was deeply red.

“I-I-I, uh...I-I wanna m-make you feel better...hugs work, right?” Dylan blushed as well.

“Mmmmph...y-y-yewr wawm...jus’ like Mommy...”

Wren didn’t want to, but instinctively, she nuzzled against Dylan’s chest. Feelings she had buried for so long made themselves known, and she did not care if anyone saw her, let alone one of her apparent least-liked people. Softly, she giggled; the embrace was calming and comforting. Simultaneously, it was familiar, yet something else entirely. She knew what that feeling was, and what it was called.

“Do y-you...feel better, Wren?” Dylan asked.

“Uh-huh...but I wanna stay hewe a li’l longew...”

“A-Alright...”

Dylan also felt something inside of him. He never would have guessed that he would be hugging a baby, or even enjoy it. In some way, he felt that Wren was like a little sister; the way she happily clung to him with a big smile on her face was nothing short of adorable. He wasn’t afraid to admit to himself that it was cute. No one would know. Wren certainly wasn’t about to go blabbing that they shared a moment.

“...Dyl...”

“Hmm?”

“Happy Valentine’s Day.” Wren grinned at him.

“Same to you, Wren.” He smiled back.

“Uh...”

“Hmm?”

“...can I kiss you?”

“What?!”

Just like that, the moment was over. Dylan pushed Wren onto her poofy bottom, no longer feeling sappy and sympathetic.

“Hey!” Wren angrily gazed at him.

“I draw the line at kisses.” He crossed his arms.

“It was just gonna be a kiss on the cheek!” she explained, getting back up.

“So? I don’ want a baby kissin’ me!”

“You suwe don’ mind babies huggin’ you!”

“That’s diff’rent!”

“No it’s not!”

Like nothing had changed, the two were back at each other’s throats again, glaring at one another in fierce rivalry. It was only broken seconds later by a low, mostly-muffled sound from Wren’s backside.

“You’re definitely not gettin’ another hug now,” Dylan spoke, waving a hand in front of his nose.

“I-It’s just gas!” Wren weakly defended. “You’d know if it was weal!”

“It’s still gross!”

“Yup!”

“Pfff...heh heh...ha ha ha ha!”

“Hee hee ha ha ha!”

The two laughed with one another, and their friendliness had shown itself again.

“I-I meant it, though. I, um, didn’t mean to...y’know...” Dylan blushed again.

“Yeah...an’ I’m sowwy for makin’ you nuts too. Even though it’s weally fun!”

“Heck yeah it is!”

“Uh-huh!” Wren nodded. “But y’know, I wanna play somethin’ with ya.”

Wren toddled over to her large pirate chest resting close to her crib, opening it to reveal a myriad of similarly-themed toys. Cutlasses, eyepatches, cannons, cannonballs, doubloons, gems, ships, and even a parrot were among the treasures inside.

“What is it with you an’ pirates, anyway?” Dylan asked, rummaging through the chest with Wren.

“I just weally, weally like piwates! One day, I’m gonna be the best piwate that evew sailed the seven seas!”

“It’ll be the six seas if you ever hafta walk the plank...”

“Yup! That’s why I hafta be weal caweful of scuwvy dogs twyin’ to stage a mutiny!”

Wren playfully stared at Dylan, who picked up on her implications and frowned. She was now donned in a pirate’s vest, with a foam sword in her hand and an eye-patch over her left eye.

“C’mon, you can trust me!”

“I hope so, Fiwst Mate Dyl!” She patted him on the shoulder. “Now, let’s get to sailing! The Pampwess be leavin’ powt! Awwwwwr!”

“Jeez, you really get into it, don’cha?” Dylan remarked.

“Hey! Yewr nevew t’call me anythin’ but ‘Cap’n’, got it?!” Wren threateningly pointed her foam weapon at his neck.

“Sure thing, ‘Cap’n’ Wren,” he sarcastically replied.

“Good! Now take yewr weapon, matey! Ye nevew know when other piwates’ll attack!”

Wren handed Dylan another foam sword, and he took it, still looking confused.

“Aye-aye, Cap’n.” He shrugged.

“What was that?” She gave her First Mate the stink-eye.

“Aye-aye!” Dylan more playfully answered, saluting the little captain.

“That’s mowe like it!” Wren nodded and grinned.

Although Dylan didn’t particularly care for being bossed around by someone half his age and still in diapers, he had to admit, deep down, that he had a little bit of fun. That little bit grew and grew as their playtime went on, until he could no longer hide his happiness. He was now fully immersed in Wren’s fantasy, and could easily imagine what she was seeing.

...

There they were, Captain Wren and First Mate Dylan, on a high seas adventure. She was at the helm of the mighty Pampress, steering it on this sunny cloudless day in the middle of the ocean, while her trusty second-in-command kept an eye out for other ships. At any moment, other pirates could become visible on the horizon, ready and willing to unleash their payload onto their beloved vessel. Thus, it could be argued that Dylan’s telescoping was far more important than Wren’s captaining...mostly by Dylan himself, but still.

“Cap’n!” The First Mate ran up to the helm of the ship. “I spotted somethin’! Look!”

“Dyl! You know it be the Fiwst Mate’s job, not the Cap’n’s!” She replied, hands still firmly on the wheel.

“B-But...there’s pirates comin’ right at us!”

“What?!”

Wren yanked the telescope from her First Mate’s hands and gazed out onto the horizon with her one good eye. Indeed, a pirate ship on-par with the Pampress’s size could be seen approaching straight ahead.

“Awwwwwr!” she growled, shoving the telescope back in Dylan’s hands. “If it’s a fight they be wantin’, then they’ll get a taste of ouw cannons! An’ they be as scwumptious as cold medicine!”

“Ughhk...” Dylan cringed.

“Dyl! Pwepawe all stawboawd cannons to fiwe!” Wren barked, pointing towards the deck.

“Aye-aye, Cap’n!” He quickly saluted, then headed onto the deck.

“Icechips! Take the powt side!”

Dylan and Icechips swiftly loaded the cannons on both sides of the Pampress, occasionally looking out at the ever-approaching ship or the very vessel they stood on. Even now, in a moment of crisis, their flag proudly flew in the breeze high above its staff. Admittedly, it wasn’t the most original flag; just the traditional Jolly Roger with a diaper and two baby rattles in place of the skull and crossbones. However, Wren prided herself on the deep symbolic meaning behind it: Being a baby is way better than being an adult!

“Cap’n! All port cannons loaded and ready to fire!” the polar bear reported, having run up next to his superior.

“Good wowk, buddy!” Wren grinned. “I-I mean, yaaaaawwwwwr! Good goin’, matey!”

Turning to face the deck, she yelled:

“Dyl! Quit slackin’ an’ finish yewr owdews so I can give ya mowe owdews!”

“I-I’m goin’ as fast as I can!” Dylan replied, sweating bullets.

“Then go even fastew!” Wren stomped her right foot, fists clenched as she irately glared at her First Mate.

“Nnnngh...!” He clenched his teeth and gave it more than his all.

“The ship’s almost hewe! Icechips, pwepawe to fiwe!”

“Aye-aye!”

“Hoo...done!” Dylan panted, grinning and waving at his captain.

“Good! Now get weady to give those scuwvy dogs a taste of ouw medicine!”

“You gotta be kiddin’ me...” he grumbled under his breath. However, there was no time to waste; the enemy ship, with its training potty flag and apparent adult staff, was right behind him and the cannons he had just finished loading.

“Let’s make this quick!” the enemy captain called out, a giant grey elephant. “Give us all yer diapers, an’ we’ll leave ye be. Yes, includin’ the one ye got on ye, Miss Marshmeller.”

“Aaawwwwwwrr!” Wren drew her cutlass, her brown eye glowing with a desire for combat. “An’ ferw what weason should I be givin’ ye me pwecious diapies?!”

“‘cause ye be lookin’ right ridiculous with ‘em, my dear! Mwa ha ha ha har!” The opposing captain chortled. “That, an’ ye be lookin’ a wee too old for them overblown pillows!”

“Nevawwwwwwwrr!” Wren roared. “I’ll be takin’ me diapies to Davy Jones’s Lockew!”

“Then you can say hello fer me! Fire!”

“Fiwe!”

...

“Boom! Pwisssssh! Bam! Blaow!”

Back in the realm of reality, Wren’s room was now positively littered with pirate toys. She threw soft, palm-sized cannonballs throughout the room, simulating the intense battle between the baby captain and the diaper-oppressing foe. Dylan, meanwhile, pretended to fire the cannons he had been assigned to.

“Why’we you fiwin’ the wong way?!” Wren angrily asked as she clashed with her plush elephant.

“I dunno!”

“Well stop it! I’m busy havin’ an epic battle with the evil Cap’n Phantew! Ha!”

Wren whacked the toy, sending it flying across the room.

“Ha ha! Looks like ye be the one headin’ t’see good ol’ Davy Jones!” Wren grinned.

“Hoo...we did it...” Dylan said, breathing a sigh of relief.

“Ha ha ha ha haaawwwrr!” She triumphantly laughed, her toy sword high in the air. “Cap’n Wen does it again!”

“With the First Mate’s help too!”

“Eh...you kinda helped. But did’ja see how I beat that mean ol’ elephant all by myself? I was awesome!” Wren thumbed at herself, smirking.

“Hey, I did a real good job with those cannons!” Dylan argued.

“Yeah, on the wong side of the ship!”

“You told me to do it!”

“As a pwecaution!”

They locked eyes, their rivalry apparent once again.

“...heh heh...ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Hee hee ha ha ha ha!”

The two laughed once again, and the room was filled with their joyousness.

“You’re kinda fun to play with! Y’know, for a stinky li’l girl.”

“So awe you! Fow a big jewk.”

“Jus’ so you know, nothin’s changed between us.”

“I wouldn’t dweam of it!” Wren grinned. “But, uh...i-if you wanna...come ovew an’...a-an’ have fun again...”

Her face was beet-red as she looked away, fiddling with her hands.

“You still have a crush on me, don’cha?” Dylan crossed his arms, unimpressed.

“Nuh-uh!” Wren shook her head. “I haven’t had a cwush on you since you embawwassed me!”

“Ah, so that’s why you look like you’re gonna poop again.” He smirked.

“Hey, I can do that if yewr lookin’ ferw an encore!” She smirked back.

“Nah, I’m good...for life.”

“Heh ha ha ha ha! Aaaaaaahhhhh...”

Wren yawned, and felt her eyes getting heavy.

“Wow, and it’s not even lunch...Haaaaaaah...” Dylan was compelled to yawn as well.

“Heh ha...you gots da yawns too...”

Wren tiredly waddled over the debris of toys to reach Icechips, sitting down on her plentiful padding with a sleepy sigh.

“Oh Icechips...yewr da bestest fwiend I have...well, dat’s not weal, at least.”

“Don’t even think about it, Wren.” Dylan sat down next to her.

“Aww, you’we callin’ me by my name!” Wren grinned. “Soon yewr gonna say we’we fwiends!”

“You’re pushin’ it.” He frowned in irritation.

“Yup! I’m a pushew!” She playfully bumped her shoulder into his.

“Hmmph...well...I suppose we can be...secret friends...” Dylan slightly blushed.

“Secwet fwiends?” Wren parroted.

“Yeah. We’re not actually friends, but...we can pretend, you know?”

“Ahh, I getcha.” She winked. “Big boy Dyl’s too afwaid to be seen playin’ wif a widdle baby, huh?”

“Darn right. But...well, if you’re half as fun to be around as you were today, I may come over more often. Secretly.”

“Heh ha ha ha...well, I’ll twy to hold it in, fow youw sake...”

“That’d be great. I-If you can help it, a’course...”

“Maybe...maybe not...haaaaaaahhhmm...”

Wren yawned for a second time, and Dylan followed suit. The temptation to just fall asleep was becoming too great to resist; their eyes were slowly closing, as they sat side by side.

“Hey, get off...” Dylan mumbled in response to Wren resting her head on his shoulder.

“No wanna...too sweepy...”

“Eh...fine...ya dumb baby...”

“Heh heh...siwwy Dywan...” Wren smiled.

“I hope lunch’ll be good...”

“Oh, don’ wowwy...yewr gonna get’cherw vegan stuff...Mommy’s awways pwepawed...”

“Good...” Dylan smiled.

“Maybe...it’ll be awwight...dat stuff’s gwoss. I keep spittin’ it out. Pbbbbbllll...” Wren weakly raspberried.

“Heh heh...maybe my mom an’ dad’ll teach ’er some tips an’ tricks. For starters...tofu bein’ tasteless is so...so you can add it to stuff that...tastes good, y’know?”

Wren did not respond, and Dylan quickly found out that it was because she had fallen asleep.

“Pfff...should’a known better...”

He smirked, feeling tired himself. Again, he had to admit, seeing his would-be rival snoozing away was kind of cute. He’d never tell anyone, obviously, least of all the poofy-seated baby he once considered the worst person he’d ever known. His last thoughts before entering dreamland were reflections on his memories of Wren, and how he had treated her. Maybe, just maybe, he would go a teensy bit easier on the little brat.

This was the perfect time for Wren to barely open her eyes, smiling in victory.

“Fooled ya...dummy...”

For a brief moment, she had considered offering an act of affection, as befitting of the holiday. However, it left as quickly as it came.

“Nah...too...cliché...”

Her eyes closed again, this time for real, as the little one felt comforted to know she had someone to rely on. Sure, Dylan wasn’t exactly the perfect friend, but that didn’t matter. She was happy enough being in his company, ribbing him and being ribbed in return. Plus, she was hardly out of pranks for him; she couldn’t wait to see the look on his face for what she had in store. First, though, came her rest. After all, good pranks are only possible with a refreshed mind.

“I knew it...”

Cass smiled, witnessing the two children’s peaceful slumber. She would have left them there, undisturbed, but they had actual beds to sleep in. So, she brought Wren to her crib, and Dylan to the Master Bedroom, being cautious so the two wouldn’t be rudely awakened.

“You’re going to be good friends after all,” she quietly spoke to her sleeping daughter, who snuggled her polar bear plush with a smile on her face. Knowing the two kids had finally let bygones be bygones, at least for the moment, was enough for Cass. Her plan had worked.

One day, it would be time for phase two: Making sure it lasts.